Threeway or Not to Threeway?
There comes a point in many gay relationships where the thought of a threesome comes up. This is particularly true if the couple finds someone they know to be attractive or if things feel a bit stale sexually.
Threesomes, however, can be somewhat difficult to navigate and if handles incorrectly, can in fact end up damaging the relationship in a serious way. Bringing in a third party does not always workout the way we might see them in popular gay themed shows like Queer as Folk or Six Feet Under.
After doing some consulting with different gay relationship experts and couples counselors, we are ready to present five questions to think about before taking the plunge with a threesome with your boyfriend.
1. Explore why you want to have a threesome
This particular point is perhaps the most important area to explore. Ideally, the both of you should sit down and have a conversation about the motivations behind wanting a threesome. For some couples, they feel that bringing in a third may help spice up a sexually dull relationship.
Others think that threesome sex may be a way to widen sexual exploration without going outside of the relationship for one on one sex. Regardless of the reason, it is important that both people involved in the relationship fully discuss the motivations behind wanting to have a threesome and look at all of the pros and cons carefully.
Tip: For some couples, a substantive conversation about threesomes can act as a conduit to increasing intimacy through fantasy without having to actually bring in a third. For example, would roll playing create variety in the relationship? Would watching video with your boyfriend help give a much needed jolt of electricity to your sex life?
2. Is this the right time for a threesome
Some couples think having threesome sex is a good way to save a sexually boring situation and keep the relationship going. This is particularly true if the couple has reached a point where sexual intimacy has stalled, happens infrequently or in the case of some long term relationships, does not happen at all. If the primary reason to have a threesome is to increase sexual intimacy with a partner, think carefully about the decision to move forward.
What may be a more effective approach is to first talk about what’s missing within the relationship and have an honest conversation about feelings and needs. Some couples opt for therapy with a counselor as a way of working out intimacy problems in order to get at the root of relational problems. Having sex with a starring guest may seem like a great way to “fix” intimacy problems but if one of both of you is unhappy in the relationship, no amount of threesomes will magically resolve the problems.
And finally on this point, many couples share that they feel a threesome is a way of “cheating without feeling guilty”. What may be helpful here is for the couple to determine what cheating means. For example, it considered cheating to have sex outside of the relationship? Is it considered cheating to watch video? Is it considered cheating to CAM? These are just a few questions to help the both of you negotiate the threesome question.
3. Make sure both of you are on board with the threesome
After you and your boyfriend have had a meaningful conversation about threesome sex have given it the “green light”, it might be helpful to employ a 24-48 hour rule before taking things further. The 24-48 hour rule is essentially an agreed upon time frame to revisit a topic [like threesomes] before taking the next steps.
This point is being mentioned because what can often happen during initial conversations about threesomes are feelings of excitement and sexual arousal. These feelings can become so powerful that they can blind one or both people into avoiding important issues, ranging from concerns over jealousy to worries over potential ramifications. Revisiting the topic after 24-48 hours allows both people involved time to process and mentally digest things.
After this period of time, sit down again with your man and talk about the decision. Some people call this a “temperature check”. A good starting question might be: Do we still feel the same way as we did when we talked about threesomes two days ago?
If the answer is yes, then you can move on to the next step. If the answer however is no for either you or your man, then make sure a meaningful conversation takes place about why. The decision to not move forward may be a good sign for your relationship, helping to increase emotional intimacy through dialogue.
Whatever you do, don’t try to force your man into doing something he doesn’t really want to do. It can make for an emotionally messy situation and cause resentment later on.
4. Agree to Rules and Boundaries
This is an important step in the decision making process that cannot be overstated. Agreeing to rules and boundaries means sitting down with your man and discussing what is OK and what’s not OK for threesomes. Examples include things like “no friends”, “no sleepovers” and “no drugs”.
Other examples include “only when we travel out of town” or “safer sex only” or “only oral sex” and so forth. The idea here is to set down ground rules so that both people in the relationship feel comfortable when the time comes for the threesome. And a final point here is to really focus in on who your starring guest might be. For example, will your starring guest be a hookup from online? Will it be someone the both of you know? All of this leads to the next point.
5. Make Sure Nobody Feels Left Out
One of the big problems that can happen during threesomes is that somebody feels left out or ignored. This happens if the starring guest is more into one person in the couple over another.
One way to minimize problems here is to talk to the person you are thinking of inviting in advance and letting them know the importance of equal attention. This would also be a good time to share the ground-rules that you and your boyfriend have created. While not a fool proof approach, this step can go a long way in making the experience more comfortable.
Summary
Thinking about threesomes is not uncommon for gay and straight people alike. There are no concrete rules on how to talk about the topic with your man and so it is important that you think carefully about your motivations, desires and expectations. A book you may wish to consider for greater insight on this topic is Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, an award winning sex educator.
Make sure that both of you are onboard with bring in a third and fully discuss feelings as part of the process. Threesomes can be a fun way to add variety to your relationship but only if you and your man are on the same page.