Cohabitation
How to know if it’s a good time to move in with your partner. Some guys dread the day that their partner suggests moving in together. Others can’t wait to have their significant other right under their wing. So, how do you know it’s time to move in together? Can it help or hurt your relationship?
Moving In Together
The number of people deciding to move in together is on the rise. According to statistical data from Bowling Green State University, the amount of unmarried couples moving in together has risen by 141% between 1995 and 2019. Most of the unmarried couples in this particular dataset were younger than 35 years old.
That seems to fall in line with US Census data from 2022, as well. In 2022, nearly 55% of households between the ages of 25 to 34 were unmarried and cohabiting. The social construct of marriage is losing its dominance as more people decide to simply move in together before getting married.
Isn’t Cohabiting a Natural?
Nothing about relationships is so cut and dry; there aren’t any hard and fast rules about when you should decide to move in together. The problem is that cohabiting isn’t always a good fit for your relationship. The idea of moving in together might sound good on paper, but when you put it into practice, you and your partner might not be compatible roomies.
Going on dates, having sleepovers, and going on vacations together is one thing. Seeing that person first thing in the morning, every morning is entirely different. Are you sure you’re ready to take that step?
Sometimes, one side of the relationship will try to accelerate the pace of the relationship to fix a problem. Moving in together won’t necessarily deepen your connection. It’s important to realize that moving in together isn’t a sure-fire way to fix a damaged relationship.
In fact, things might get worse. When you live with your partner, things become monotonous and routine. You might not go out as much because you’re already spending so much time together at home.
This is dangerous territory for a relationship because you’re just going through the motions. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner, it just means that you’ve become accustomed to their habits and their presence, so much so, that you no longer give them a high priority status in your life.
It’s like your brain starts to overlook them because it’s already covered those bases. The partner that you love has now become background noise. This can put a significant strain on the relationship like a slow burn that erodes the fabric of your bond over time.
When Is The Right Time?
Before moving in together, you need to have an open and honest discussion about the status of your relationship and your future expectations. What are your shared goals? What areas of the relationship still need some work? Is your partner willing to adapt and change to keep the relationship moving forward?
When you move in together, you’re going to need to work harder to maintain your connection and nurture that bond. Do you and your partner have a realistic expectation about what life will be like moving forward? What are your plans for keeping the relationship fresh and fun.
When you move in together, your finances become inextricably linked. You need to figure out how you’re going to handle financial obligations. You need to work out how the bills will be paid. Will you split them down the middle 50/50 or work out a separate arrangement?
These aren’t easy discussions to have between you and your partner. So, it can be helpful to take it slow and work these issues out over a span of time instead of trying to cram it all in during one tense meeting.
You should also avoid discussing what might happen if you break-up. Although you might be wondering about this possibility, bringing it up in the beginning can open a Pandora’s box that wreaks psychological havoc on your efforts to move in together. Just be patient and work through your concerns bit by bit.
Red Flags
You should avoid moving in together or at least postpone it if you or your partner:
- Are extremely competitive.
- Always try to win every fight.
- Value being right over being at peace.
- Never apologize.
- Don’t know how to manage a monthly budget.
- Consistently miss regular bill payments
Financial problems and the power struggle are two of the biggest red flags in relationships. These characteristics are common amongst couples who consistently argue and live on unstable terms. Both can be dealbreakers when you’re thinking about moving in together.
If you notice that your partner never has a grasp on their finances, then those problems will become your problems when you decide to move in together. It might not be your partner either. You need to take an honest look at your own relationship with money to see if you’re ready for the financial commitments of managing a household together.
Financial problems might be easier to fix than power struggles with your partner. It can happen right away for very strong personality types or develop over time as the relationship gets more monotonous. Some couples spar with one another simply to keep it interesting. However, you don’t want to move in together with a rival; you should move in with a teammate. So, if you and your partner are always competing with one another, it might not be a good idea to move in together.
Fixing Things After the Move
Too Late. You’ve already moved in together and things aren’t going well. If you and your partner have already moved in together and you find yourself having a tough time at home, there are a few ways that you can remedy it.
If you’re locked in a power battle with your partner, then you need to make some adjustments. You and your partner need to shift your perspective if you’re always competing with one another in the relationship. You can be super competitive, but it’s important to see each other as teammates if you’re going to be living together. Paying bills, taking care of household chores, and managing a household works better when there’s a collaborative team effort.
If the relationship has gotten stale since you’ve moved in together, then you need a refresh. Start by breaking the monotony of your daily routine. This can jar you out of autopilot and help you pay attention to one another.
Avoid mandatory date nights or unimaginative obligations like Taco Tuesday or Board Game Night. These types of activities might seem like great ideas at first, but they create monotony in the relationship. Try to be more spontaneous with each other. Have tacos on Friday night or go out for a movie instead of staying in and watching something on Netflix.
What The Research Says
Researchers have been looking at the peaks and valleys of moving in together for a long time. At first, it seemed that cohabiting before marriage was a recipe for disaster, but young people are moving in together at a rapid rate. New data from the Council on Contemporary Families suggests that young couples are ignoring red flags and taking their chances at moving in together no matter what. It seems like cohabiting doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll crash and burn early.
Author Arielle Kuperberg, a sociologist at UNC-Greensboro, notes that “today 70 percent of women aged 30 to 34 have cohabited with a male partner, and two-thirds of new marriages take place between couples who have already lived together for an average of 31 months.”
If you want to play house as a stepping stone to a serious commitment like marriage, then scientific research is in your corner. A 2014 study found that there is no difference in divorce rates between couples that lived together before marriage and those that didn’t.
Wrap Up
Well, that’s entirely up to you, but you shouldn’t make the decision to move in together lightly. It’s a major step in the relationship and a major step for everyone involved. If you want it to work, then you’ll need to work harder to show compassion and interest toward your partner. You’ll need to avoid the urge to switch off when you get home. Keep things interesting and get out of the house together for dates and activities.
Moving in together isn’t the way to fix your relationship. So, don’t think that moving in together is the natural evolution of your relationship and things will magically fall into place because you’ve been together for x amount of time. You will have more relationship challenges when you move in together, not less.
You and your partner have to see each other as teammates and not rivals. Creating a pleasant atmosphere is way better than winning every argument. Try to practice working together toward shared goals before you move in together and count your victories together. If you and your partner can tackle problems collaboratively, then you just might have a shot at staying together for the long haul.
