Was I really that naïve?
By: Chris in Chicago
Over the last three months, I’ve been barebacking with a bi curious guy. I’m going to fill you in on the details and explain why I’m really upset.
To start off, I’m a 35-year old gay man living in Chicago. I’m single and have been on PREP for the last two years. Sexually, you can describe me as versatile, although if given a choice I’d rather be on the bottom.
So, let me explain what happened.
A year ago, I decided to rent out a spare bedroom in my walkup unit. There was really no special reason to do it other than it wasn’t being used. When I originally bought my place, my plan was to transform it into a den. It just never happened.
After talking to friends, I decided to post an ad on Craig’s List for a roommate and see what happened. To make a long story short, I interviewed several guys and decided upon one person named Justin.
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There were several reasons I decided on him. First, he said he would be gone during the day because he works at a tech job downtown.
Second, he told me once a weekend he would be in “field training” as part of his service in the Army reserves.
Third, when I told him I was gay, he was completely cool with it. While he didn’t come right out and label himself, my impression was that he was bi-curious.
I don’t know to explain it other than say that’s the vibe I picked up on him.
But here’s the truth – for real. I also chose Justin because he’s very attractive. That’s shallow, I know. But for me to share what’s going on, I need to be brutally honest.
Between his hairy chest, woody cologne, muscular bod and goofy sense of humor, I just got sucked in.
Anyway.
After he moved in, we cohabitated like most roommates do. If you’ve ever had one, you know what I’m talking about. We watched television together, swapped personal stories and split the grocery bill.
As time went on, we became closer. It’s a bond most people who live together share I guess.
He told me about his past relationships and the women he’d been with. I told him about the guys I’d dated and how none of them ever seemed to work out.
That’s when the jokes started.
Silly, stupid comments about how if I were a woman, I’d make the perfect girlfriend for him. And trust me, I’d say similar things back. “If you were only gay, we’d be ideal.”
One night, when we were watching Netflix and drinking wine, I remember the “joking” went to a new level when we spooned on the couch. Just a quick cuddle. Enough to set my gaydar off.
Sometime over Christmas, Jake “accidentally” texted me a JPEG of his d*ck. When I asked him why he sent it, replied, “Oops”.
For some time, I had known that my roomie was packing major meat. The thing was obvious when he was in a towel. Even more so when it pressed up against my butt that one time we cuddled.
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Feeling playful, I texted mine back, quickly followed up with a “surprise face” emoji.
It didn’t take long before the whole thing became a running joke. But the fun and games turned more serious weeks later. That’s’ when we swapped head on the living room couch.
Hey, it was late. We were horned. Netflix sucked. You get the drift. It happened.
And it wouldn’t be the last time it happened.
Over the course of time, things escalated. Whenever we did it, he seemed extremely interested in my backside. You’ve met this kind of dude, right? The guy who can’t keep his hands away from your butthole?
Now mind you, during this span of time, he claimed to be single. Sure, there were few girls he talked about seeing casually but “nothing serious”.
Which is why what happened next was OK with me.
On some random weekend in late January, Justin topped me. We weren’t drunk and we weren’t smoking weed. It just happened that way. He lubed himself up, teased me from behind shoved it in.
I could sit here and tell you I put up a bunch of resistance or that I didn’t want him to. The truth is I did. We both wanted to.
Just before he released in me, he warned. “I’m going to c*m!” I was cool with it. I’m on PREP and don’t have any STI’s. Plus, I like to do it bare if I know the guy and we share a level of trust.
After that happened, barebacking with Justin became the norm. We didn’t do it all the time. Maybe twice a month? It even got to the point that we started kissing during play.
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I’m ashamed to admit this but I started to develop feelings for him. You know those jokes we had shared about “being perfect” for one another? Well, they took on new meaning after we became intimate.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago.
One Sunday evening, after he came back from his required service time, he said he wanted to talk. He had a tone of concern – the kind that communicates, something’s up.
We sat on the couch.
I don’t know how to tell you this but I’ve been lying to you. I’ve got a girlfriend. In fact, she’s more than that. We’re engaged and moving in together.
Inside, I went completely blank. Shocked really.
Suddenly, I felt like I was living with a total stranger. The only thing I could muster up was to ask why he lied.
Because I didn’t want to screw up our roommate situation. But now that I’m moving, I wanted to fill you in.
It took me several days to process it all. Looking back, I suppose I should have seen the clues. After all, we weren’t tied at the hip.
As a buddy told me, Justin really doesn’t owe me any explanations. But I can’t get over the fact that I’ve been taking his loads and thinking he was single.
Had I known he was seriously involved with someone else (regardless of gender) I wouldn’t have done it. Seriously, I wouldn’t.
Now I’m left feeling totally used. Angry, too. I’ve never met his girlfriend but when I put the mental puzzle together, I know she exists.
I can’t help but wonder how she would react if she knew he was barebacking me?
Does she do anal for him too? Or was I just a way to satisfy a curiosity?
Look. I get it. I own a lot of responsibility here.
I’m the one who picked him as a roomie based on looks. And I’m the guy who returned my d*ck pic back to him, hoping it would lead to something.
Finally, I’m the one who let him seed me multiple times, all the while conning myself into believing it was him showing affection.
Was I so desperate for a man that I was blinded to the truth? Could I not see that I was just a hole to Justin – a way for him to satisfy a curiosity?
He’s moving out the end of this month. I hope I can hold it together.
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