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Tips for BEING A GAY TOP
If you are looking for tips on being a better gay top, you wouldn’t be alone. While many guys identify a top men according to some of the existing research, few are aware of technique, form and style.
Part of this has to do with a machismo factor on the part of some gay men and part of it relates to simply not knowing the basics.
In the past, we’ve offered readers who are interested in bottoming suggestions on how to ride a guy the right way and avoid pain.
Because of interest in this topic, we’ve decided to explore the other of the dynamic through the lens of psychology, specifically borrowing from the school of mindfulness.
You may be wondering what that term – mindfulness – means? Well, mindfulness is nothing more than a state of awareness that focuses your total span of awareness on the here and now.
Tracing its roots back to ancient Buddhism, mindfulness teaches people how to live in the moment and be one with their environment.
The material that you are about to read comes to us from readers who identify as bottoms, combined with wisdom from tops who actively engage in mindful based sex.
Some of these suggestions may strike you as common sense while others will cause you to pause and reflect. Read them all in order to fully absorb their deeper meaning.
1. Mentally and Physically Prepare
Before anything can happen, it is important for you to check your mood. Do you feel like topping is your mind elsewhere? If the answer is no and you are just looking to release, don’t force yourself to top your man.
Most bottoms will be able to detect if you’re feeling it and if the experience is genuine. There’s nothing wrong with vanilla, provided the both of you are down with an alternative activity.
If the answer is yes and you are in the mood to top, make sure you take the time to clean yourself properly.
It doesn’t hurt to manscape and groom yourself in a way that is pleasing to your bottom. It will show him you care about what is to come in a way that sends a positive mindful message.
2. Tune into your man’s mood
While you may be in the mood to penetrate, that doesn’t mean your guy is also feeling it. The answer to this question may not reveal itself until the two of you start playing.
This is why it’s important to mindfully tune into your man and determine where he is in that particular moment.
For example, is he engaging in lots of kissing and foreplay? Does he seem to be touching you a lot? This is an indication that your bottom is looking for an emotional buildup before reaching its full crescendo.
Consider this your cue to take your time and not be overly aggressive. On the other hand, he’s eagerly desiring you to exert your power, consider it a green light to move forward with passion.
3. Verbally appreciate him
Ask any bottom and they will tell you that narcissistic tops are the worst. This type of guy is the one who simply inserts, drills and says nothing during the process – taking care of his own needs without showing appreciation for the bottom.
To avoid being “that guy”, it’s important to compliment your man and let him know how beautiful he is. Avoid using phrases that feminize, dehumanize or humiliate him. Hot talk can be fun and your goal should be to turn your man on – but don’t ruin the moment by getting carried away.
4. Share the power and control dynamic
One of the myths associated with being a good gay top is that you have to be the one in control. And while it is true most tops are wired to do what they do, this doesn’t mean they need to be controlling.
In fact, this approach can very much be a turn-off.
A better method is to share power and control and let your bottom guide you towards what he wants. Follow his lead in form and position and mindfully tune into where you sense he is going. Believe it or not, bottoms can be aggressive too.
5. Synchronize your breathing
If you are a top that tends to blow too quickly or if this is the case for your bottom, it’s time to start focusing on mindful breathing approaches.
This approach will help circulate your blood flow and distribute oxygen throughout your system.
To engage in mindful breathing, simply take a few deep breaths and center your awareness on the here and now. Purge your mind of extraneous thoughts, particularly if you are focused on the end game.
Work with your partner to synchronize breathing. This will help the both of you and may even offer the added benefit of edging.
6. Partake in sensate focus
Under this point, you will be using a powerful tool to help you truly tune into your bottom’s body. Sensate focus is all about the awareness of touch.
While your thoughts may be centering on your stick being inside of him, what about your fingers, lips and torso?
Your goal should be total mind body awareness when you are topping your man, mindfully using all of your senses to truly feel him for his essence and not just for his love-box.
Here’s a handout on sensate focus you can use to get you started.
7. Don’t be a Jackrabbit
While it may look fun in films, thumping your man like a rabbit isn’t such a great thing. Believe it or not, even seasoned bottoms experience pain when you insert too quickly or pull out too fast.
They also feel discomfort when you make yourself out to be a rapid-fire machine gun. Well – at least some people do.
Instead, start out slow and jointly figure out your cadence. It’s OK to occasionally ask your bottom how he is feeling.
Trust that your bottom will tell you about his needs and persuade or dissuade you from picking up the pace.
8. Make sure he releases
Depending upon the dynamics, it is possible that you will release before your partner. There’s nothing wrong with that happening however, it’s not a permission slip to say, “Ok – my work is done here”.
Remember, he still has some unfinished business to attend to.
If you can continue doing your thing, great. But if you can’t, use other approaches to help him reach his end point.
This isn’t difficult. Kiss him, touch him and stroke him until he fountains.
9. Go easy on any substances
Some people choose to use substances as part of the top bottom experience. The choice is obviously up to you and your partner however, mindfulness-based connections are usually devoid of such items because they can dull the senses – particularly when overused.
If substances will be part of the experience, use them minimally. Here, we’re talking about everything from poppers, pot and other things that traditionally are part of the alphabet.
Mindfulness is all about the natural – the here and now. Ask yourself if substance really need to be part of what’s happening.
10. Spoon afterwards
To a fault, most bottoms and tops will tell you that spending time together after releasing is important. There’s nothing worse than finishing and then having your partner leap from the bed in a mad dash for the bathroom. It can send the unintended message of shame and guilt.
Instead, try to spend a little time spooning with your man. Wrap your arms around his torso and hold him for a bit. Remember, the both of you have just expended a great deal of energy.
Why not allow yourself to enjoy the moment in a way that lets you tune into him.
Listen to his heartbeat and feel his blood pumping. This will send the message that you value his efforts and that you care.
Bringing It All Together
If you are looking for more practical suggestions on how to be a better top using mindfulness-based approaches, a great book to consider is How to Top Like a Stud from Woody Miller.
What we like about this book is the no holds bar approach the author takes with walking you through the ins and outs of topping.
Inside, you’ll find page after page of practical insight designed to help you build your confidence, work through anxiety and ultimately be a better top man for your guy.
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