Your partner wants to make private videos
The Dilemma
Hi, Jack,
I’ve been dating a girl for around six months now and really like her. The only thing is that recently, she’s been hinting at us making a video. And not the G-rated either. We’re talking about the type that shows everything, including our faces.
Truthfully, I have mixed feelings about it. I mean I trust her, but can you ever really trust anyone?
-Not sure
The Solution
Hello, NS,
This is an interesting situation, isn’t it? On the one hand, you have someone you feel close to and share trust with. But on the other hand, she’s asking you to do something that’s outside of your comfort zone.
And to keep it real – the request she’s making isn’t all that unusual. Lots of people (straight and gay) like capturing imagery of themselves doing the nasty.
Some folks think it’s hot. Others just find it incredibly exhilarating. And still, others feel the very idea is just nuts. I don’t judge because everyone has something, you know?
But I am going to say this – and I know it will be super direct. No, you should not make a video with your new girlfriend.
If, by the way, she happens to be reading this, I am sure this is not what she wants to hear. No doubt she’s a beautiful woman and someone you fit well with.
But the fact is you have mixed feelings about her request and that’s significant. I’ll tell you what I tell a lot of guys; never ignore that inner voice that resides deep inside. More often than not, it’s guiding you in the right direction.
Would my response be different if the two of you had a long(er) history together – like five years? Maybe? Much would depend upon the dynamics of your relationship and the level of trust.
But even then, I’ve seen situations where couples have been together for decades and for whatever reason, split up. Worse, when the breakup is ugly, tempers usually start to rise. That’s when things like videos can be used to inflict harm.
Please don’t misunderstand me – it’s not that I’m against any of it. Who among us hasn’t been on an app and traded something digital that is revealing (if you get what I mean). I know that I’ve enjoyed sending and receiving them.
But there is a difference between a headless picture (or streaming imagery) versus material that shows your face. Know what I mean?
And yes, today your partner may profess that she is in love with you like no other – that you are “the one”. I can even imagine her pulling out her smart-phone, waving it around in the air with an alluring smile saying, “Come on – let’s do it!” And you, being very much in love and wanting to please her, feeling excited and nervous about her request at the same time.
Sound familiar? That kind of thing has happened to me and others I know.
Which leads us to a story about a friend of mine who was in almost the same predicament as you, save a few details.
Ben (my friend) was in a relationship of 2-years with a person named Nina. The two got along swimmingly and everyone thought they would eventually get married.
Except that’s not what happened. Instead, Nina decided to step out and cheat on her boyfriend – having an affair with someone she met at the gym.
When Ben found out, he became infuriated. Filled with the sting of pain, he decided to go snooping through Nina’s phone. He stumbled across several videos of Nina messing around with that guy from the gym. Nothing serious – but certainly not of the G-rated variety.
Angry and heartbroken, he decided to send those videos out to several of Nina’s friends. “Look what I caught my girlfriend doing!” he wrote in the messages.
Minutes after transmitting the material, Ben immediately regretted it. The problem was that it was too late. The vids were being passed around – over and over – moving from one person to the next like wildfire.
Unfortunately, they also ended up on a public website. Eventually, it got removed but it didn’t happen overnight and lots of people saw them.
And in case you are wondering, yes, they broke up. But that’s not the point. Instead, it’s to demonstrate how something like this can happen. It’s called the law of unintended consequences.
Your girlfriend may even be saying something to you now like, “Hey, let’s shoot the video, we’ll watch it and then delete the sh– when we are done.”
If that’s the case, all I can tell suggest is that you (carefully) listen to your inner voice. Just like people write things to be read, folks make recordings to be watched. And in my experience, when a person wants to take a video of you, there’s a very good chance they’ve done the same thing in the past with others. Catch my drift?
Let’s be real – with today’s technology, nothing is ever really deleted. A case in point can be seen in Tom Daley; the Olympian who discovered several compromising photos of himself had somehow mysteriously “resurfaced” on the web from the past.
Your girlfriend is probably super into you. No doubt the two of you are a very attractive pair. What couple wouldn’t want to memorialize fun “intimate” times?
I’m not here to parent you NS. We all have choices in life. This could be something that the both of you truly enjoy.
But I have a few questions I’ll leave you with.
What if in a year from now or three years from now, the two of you are no longer together? What if your job requires you to take a more public profile?
Do you really want that kind of imagery floating around out there – at least potentially?
—
Need some dating help? Email Jack at [email protected]
