You really enjoy having sex with your girlfriend but don’t see any other value in the relationship
I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few months now. I’m not gonna lie – the sex is amazing. She’s got this really banging body and she’s a total pleaser in the bedroom if you know what I mean.
But after we have sex and she starts talking I just can’t stand to be around her. It’s like everything about her annoys the hell out of me. I start thinking about how we have nothing in common and I hate her little annoying Chihuahua that she takes with her everywhere.
We fight a lot, but things always seem to get better after we have sex.
Should I just open up to her and tell her I only like having sex with her and that’s it?
Or do you think I could change the relationship to a friends with benefits type of deal?
– Deeply Tormented
Hi there DT,
I’m so glad that you decided to reach out with your question. Believe it or not, many men wind up in a similar situation. Finding a solution might not be easy, but we can unpack the problem together to gain further clarity so that you can make the right decision.
For starters, it’s important to note that you haven’t been with your girlfriend for very long. It’s only been a few months. You’re probably still getting to know one another, and physical magnetism is one of the most basic levels of attraction.
So, it’s perfectly normal to focus on the physical aspects of your relationship more during the early stages. Guys are usually more fixated on physical intimacy than women. We value sex much more than other parts of a romantic relationship, especially in the beginning.
It’s one of those evolutionary traits of being a male. We have a strong sex drive and a wandering eye. So, you might need to just give it some more time before you consider throwing away the whole relationship. Things could improve on their own.
The fact that you’re having amazing sex with your girlfriend is great. Your girl is a giver and it sounds like she takes good care of herself. So put one in the win column for yourself on that one, buddy. Intimacy problems can form a huge wedge in any relationship. It’s a good thing that you at least have that working for you.
Now, let’s talk about the other details of your question. You mentioned that after sex you weren’t interested in your girlfriend – the things she says, her actions, her dog, etc. Well, after sex your brain releases a special cocktail of chemicals – oxytocin, norepinephrine, serotonin, and others.
These chemicals make you feel satisfied, sleepy and hungry. So, your priorities have shifted after sex and you are less likely to tolerate any of your girlfriend’s quirks and conversations. For this reason, perhaps you should avoid evaluating your feelings about her right after sex.
So, the timing is important. Ask yourself – do I simply dislike her company after sex, or do I dislike her company all the time? After sex, most men just want to chill but the same chemicals that make you want to relax make women want to talk and cuddle. That can be annoying if you’re not on the same wavelength.
On the other hand, ff you don’t like spending time with her or don’t have mutual interests at all then you might not be linked up with the right person. But if you simply find her annoying after sex, then you might just need a sandwich and a nap, dude.
Now, you might also benefit from objectively evaluating the pros and cons of your relationship. Try to focus on all the aspects of it, not just the sex. Grab a sheet of paper or make a note on your phone. Make a column for all the things that are going right and a column for all the things that are going wrong.
Then, step back and look at the results. Is there some value to this relationship other than sex? You might be surprised with what you find out. Don’t look at your pros and cons in terms of numbers. Think about the quality of each item on the list and how much that item means to you.
Now, I’m going to move onto the heavy lifting of your problem. Should you tell her that you only like her for sex? And is it possible to change the parameters of your relationship so that it’s more of a friends with benefits sort of thing?
It’s important to know that talking about the problem can lead to a solution, but it will be a solution through confrontation. That means you need to be prepared for what could happen next. You need to be prepared for disappointment if things don’t go your way. You need to consider her feelings, too.
But if you’ve analyzed your feelings carefully and analyzed the advantages and disadvantages of your relationship, and you still feel like you only like your girlfriend for sex, then you need to talk to her about it.
Some points of interest –
It’s not her fault. You might only appreciate her physical attributes but somebody else might totally click with her personality. So, don’t make this about her. It’s really about you choosing a partner solely on the basis of physical attraction.
You don’t want to sound like a sex hound who only dates girls to bang them. So, address the issue as a case of misinterpreted signals. Tell her that you really like her, but you don’t think there’s much compatibility.
Lastly, when it comes to friends with benefits. You’re basically asking for the cheat code. You want to have your cake and eat it too without having to even wash the dishes afterwards. Don’t you think that’s being a tad bit selfish, especially if she still wants a genuine relationship?
Hey, she might be on the same page and you can totally hook up with this girl casually when the feeling moves you. But you’ve got to understand that even as friends, you still won’t like this girl. Friends hang out and help each other. If you only want sex, then you need to take the “friends” part out of the equation.
You just want a casual sex partner. Is that what you really want? I know that might not be what you want to hear but I’m giving it to you straight.
I’m getting the sense that there is more to this relationship than sex. You just need to find more common ground and be a bit more patient. But if things don’t work out, then you should learn from this experience and try not to rush into things with the next girl.
Next time around, try asking yourself these questions.
Could I see myself spending quality time with this girl?
What do I really like about her?
Would I consider being just her friend or do I want more?
I hope this helps Deeply Tormented. The fact is – you could be in a great relationship and not even realize it.
But if it is just about physical attraction, then you should have that chat with your GF and let her know how you feel.
Things might not pan out this time around, but you will have success in the future if you take your time.
Good luck and thanks for reaching out.
Need some dating help? Email Jack, the Dating Coach at: [email protected]