Is it possible to be so handsome that it’s hard to get dates?
The Dilemma
Dear Jack,
I have an odd issue. It's like this – I'm a really good-looking guy. In all the ways that matter, most people describe me as handsome.
I'm not trying to brag here. Instead, I'm just sharing what people have been saying about my appearance for years.
Who am I to throw cold water on that? The reality is I meet plenty of guys who are interested in me. The problem is none of them stick. My relationships suck.
I can't help but wonder if my appearance intimidates other men? Can a dude be too handsome?
Handsome Henry
The Answer
Hi, Handsome Henry,
The short answer to your question is: No, you can’t be too handsome. If what you are saying is true, there’s a lot of readers who would love to trade places with you.
Let’s be honest. In our society, the more attractive a person, the better treatment they receive. If the research is right, this means you likely get hired first, make more money, and have better opportunities than the average gay.
The politically correct thing for me to say is that looks don’t matter – it’s what’s inside that counts. The problem is they DO matter, particularly in gaydom.
I’m going to assume that on a scale of 1-10 in the attractiveness department, you rank high up, like a 9. Does that seem accurate? If so, your handsomeness probably affects your dating life in ways that aren’t so obvious.
You see Henry – I’m closer to a 5 (average). As such, you probably don’t know what it’s like when a guy pushes you to the side in favor of someone more photogenic like yourself. I can tell you, it’s not fun.
The other thing you may not have noticed is that being “hot” greatly influences your dating opportunities. In my experience, most people gravitate towards others with similar interests.
For example, guys who like the gym typically attract other men who enjoy the same. Runners often meet other runners on trails because they already have the activity in common.
Make sense?
In your case, you are a full-on stud. This allows you to attract other gay men from all corners. Not that all of us are shallow but my sense is that guys like you make other men (like me) turn their heads when you walk by.
The truth is that even if you don’t hit it off on the personality-front with a man, the guy will likely still be interested in you.
Physical hotness has a way of making people take on certain qualities (like charm, funny, etc.) even when they don’t possess those traits. If you’ve ever been left breathless by an extremely hot man, you know what I’m talking about.
In your case, you’ve basically got a “get into a relationship” free ticket. But just because you have that ticket doesn’t mean you'll get into the show.
While looks matter during the initial phases of a courtship, they simply aren’t enough to sustain something meaningful for the long-term. For that to happen, there must be shared goals and a feeling that both people are working towards something.
FYI: In gay relationships, there are six unique stages that occur. It’s hard for me to know but it seems like you don’t even get passed the blending stage?
What all of this could mean is that you start relationships with other guys that normally wouldn’t happen. But because you are good looking, they do.
As a result, your dating pool is out of sync. You may be meeting a lot of men who are interested in your facial structure and not much else. Some might think this is a superficial issue. Perhaps it is. But it is a problem nonetheless.
The answer to your problem is easier said than done. You’ve got stop saying “yes” to men who you have nothing in common with. Don’t go out with someone just because he compliments you. Date a guy with the goal of seeing if there’s a potential future. Ask yourself what are you aware of in his presence. Beyond the compliments, how does he make you feel?
If you are a gym jock, look for other gym jocks. If sports are your thing – find gay men who like sports (there are lots of them). Finally, if you are into the outdoorsy type, you’ll discover a world of opportunities.
Here’s something else that is also possible, Henry. You may be taking your looks for granted. In turn, this has made you lazy and complacent.
Let me explain.
Like a lot of average guys, I’m not exactly perfect. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not unattractive. But that’s only because I have to work my butt off to turn the eye of other men. This is a very long way of saying that we are born with whatever we are born with.
Accepting this truth, I do what I have to do to make the best of it. I work out, have a stylish wardrobe and attend to basic grooming habits to up my game.
But most importantly, I’ve learned how to engage others and come off as interesting. Goodness knows if I didn’t do this, I’d never date anyone.
Trust me when I tell you that I had to learn this lesson. In my younger years, I spent much of that time alone.
“Learning how to engage others and come off as interesting” might sound ridiculous. But I assure you it’s not. That’s because being social is a skill.
To capture the intellectual and emotional attention of others, it’s important to speak in ways that others can relate to. In this same way, it’s about communicating with passion so that you can “connect” on levels that go beyond the physical.
Finally, it’s about engaging in a variety of life experiences so that you have empathy for others. When everything is swirled together, that’s what truly makes a person attractive.
But because you are so handsome, you probably haven’t had to do this. Instead, guys likely gravitate to you without much effort. While this may work great for something quick – like a hookup – it’s not the best recipe for a longer-term relationship.
The reality is you won’t be able to keep a man if you can’t make him laugh, think, or in some way surprise him.
The truth is he’ll probably get bored and move on to someone else. Anyone would (gay or straight).
But Henry – don’t fret. Within every problem lies the solution. There are tons of ways to make yourself more interesting.
What are your interests? Do you think about trying new things but copout? Have you ever thought about acting or singing? What about volunteering for an organization that serves the poor? Why not push yourself to try something different?
Any new experience you engage in might help. They enrich your mind and open your heart to alternative viewpoints. Even things that seem absurd, like going camping with strangers, might help. The more unusual – the better.
I wish I could cast a spell that allows you to ignore your good looks. The truth is, I can’t – and neither can you. Your attractiveness has been reinforced too many times by others over the years.
But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t check yourself to see if you take them for granted.
Do what many gay men do. Discover your world and then find out if there are other guys you have something in common with.
Need some dating help? Email Jack, the Dating Coach at: [email protected]
