How do you handle this?
If you’ve been in a relationship for any amount of time, you may have experienced the dynamic where your boyfriend wants a threesome.
On the flipside – it could be the other way around whereby you want to invite a third.
Sound familiar? If so, keep reading.
My hope in penning this piece is to approach a topic that is not widely discussed because folks fear being judged. My promise in what follows is to avoid that kind of shame-based discussion and get right down to brass tacks.
Let’s jump right in!
1. First, let’s be real
According to several lines of research, we already know that nearly half of all gay men have had an open relationship (Duffy, 2016).
I’m mentioning this because having thoughts about hooking up with other men outside of your primary relationship is not unusual.
It doesn’t mean you are a monster for thinking about it and it doesn’t mean your man is an SOB for bringing it up.
What’s important you know is this – gay men aren’t the only ones doing it. Check out this post from Psychology Today and you’ll learn about some surprising research.
Here’s the difference. As a tribe, LGBTQ folks tend to be more honest about this topic.
2. Don’t jump to conclusions
If your boyfriend starts hinting around at wanting a third, your natural response may be to get pissed off. This makes sense on some level. Afterall, most of us think we should be enough.
But here’s the thing – it’s not always about “enough”.
Sometimes, a guy you have been in a relationship with for awhile will want to experience a threesome (with you) because he’s voyeuristic.
In other words, it’s not about him wanting to get with another guy. Instead, it’s linked to a deeply held desire to watch.
Some reading this may find what I’ve just shared disgusting. That’s fine – think what you want. But I’m just telling you about a motivation that’s often overlooked.
Finally, on this point, some men who want threesomes do so because they don’t want to “play” without their partner present.
Just food for thought.
3. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you
Should your man approach you about asking someone over to mess around, you may start to believe he doesn’t love you.
But I’d like you to step back from that reaction and ask yourself: Is that really true?
Have you ever thought about your man sexually with someone else? Do you wonder what it would be like to watch him get drilled or drill out another dude?
If so, does this mean you don’t love him?
Love operates on a number of different levels. Here, I’m talking about emotional, physical, and even spiritual. Sometimes they work in tandem. Othertimes, not so much.
The question to ask yourself is this: What does love mean to you?
4. Sexual surrogate
For couples that have been partnered for awhile, there can come a point where sex becomes infrequent. In some cases, it can stop entirely.
Perhaps you can relate?
Should your boyfriend bring up the idea of a third, it could be because he wants to reignite your physical connection. Is that really such a bad thing?
More: Breathing new life into your relationship
Some believe that couples should try to create one on one intimacy first before reaching for outside candy. Others feel it doesn’t matter.
The key thing to keep in mind is just because he brings up the topic doesn’t mean that’s what he really wants.
Instead, it may be his way of sharing with you that he misses an abandoned area of your relationship.
Don’t judge your man for talking about it. Try to embrace him for being honest. In this way, you are helping your relationship grow.
5. Have a plan
Let’s assume for a moment your guy suggests a three-way. And for the sake of hypotheticals, let’s also say you are game. Now what?
It’s simple – create a plan.
By this I mean talk about boundaries. Discuss the pros and cons of what (may) occur. It’s OK to take your time here and have this conversation over long periods of time.
But when it happens – know there’s no turning back. We cannot undo what’s already been done (if that makes sense).
Before you do it, here are some tips:
- Set up ground rules about acceptable and non-acceptable behavior.
- Choose a person you both can agree upon and feel safe with.
- Be mindful that alcohol and other substances may cloud judgment.
- After having the experience, revisit what happened in an honest, transparent way.
Bringing it all together
The article you just read wasn’t published as a way of promoting threesomes. Instead, its purpose was to offer a conduit to self-insight.
If you are looking for more information about threeways, open relationships and the associated pros and cons, there’s a good book you may want to consider.
It’s called Opening Up by Tristian Taormino (See Amazon). At the very least, it may help you understand the “why” behind what your man is asking – or what you may be thinking.
Thanks for taking the time to read!
References
Duffy, N. (2016, February 3). Nearly half of gay men have had an open relationship. Retrieved from Pink News: http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2016/02/03/nearly-half-of-gay-men-have-had-an-open-relationship/
Vrangalova, Z.(2016, March, 21) How many people are really interested in threesomes? https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/strictly-casual/201603/how-many-people-are-really-interested-in-threesomes
