I’ve never been a good boyfriend but I am really great at getting gay men to cheat on their partners and breaking them up.
By: Alan in LA
“That guy is a Suzy Home wrecker.” How many times has a friend told you this about someone you've been eyeing? “He's the guy who can’t stand it when two people are happy.”
Guess what – that guy is me.
Long ago, I realized that I would never be a good boyfriend. But I did figure out that my one special gift is coming in between gay couples and making one of them fall for me.
You see I’m “that guy” – the one who targets the fun loving gay couple and will do whatever I can to make them split up.
The happier the couple, the more excited I become because it's a bigger challenge.
If you are partnered right now, I’m really your worst nightmare. Gay men look at me with contempt, and talk about me in unpleasant whispers whenever I walk by. It’s sad but true – the people who know me hate me.
I’ve been a gay Suzy home wrecker ever since I learned how to flirt. Whenever a guy gives me eye contact at a bar, I flirt back, knowing full well that he is standing right next to his boyfriend. Ha ha.
Oh, and when I see a cute gay couple on Instagram or Facebook, I try to message the less attractive of the two and pay him compliments, sending sexually suggestive photographs to get him all worked up.
Have you ever received a random message like this, even though you are partnered?
“You look really hot man. We should hookup sometime. Does your boyfriend have to know?”
I love it when I get a response that includes your phone number for texting or Skype – that's even better!
All of this started in my mid-twenties, after I broke up with my first boyfriend because he cheated on me. Now that I am in my mid-thirties and have had a few more failed relationships under my belt, I’ve figured out that it’s a lot easier being “the other woman” than the fool who is being cheated on.
And so that’s why I love it when gay couples are out looking for a third. That’s an invite for me to really kick into overdrive and wiggle my way into one of their hearts. Man, it’s great when I see a duo on Grindr and Scruff, hoping to discretely invite someone like me over for “fun” over.
Wahoo! It's like hitting the jackpot.
And I’ve figured out that the longer the couple has been together, the more likely the chance of emotional infidelity – which hurts far worse than anything physical.
I’ll tell you a secret. Being a gay Suzy home wrecker has much less to do with being some boyfriend stealing slut and more to do with just listening to a guy.
In my experience, most of the gay couples I know have some amount of drama going on. And if I pick up on it, in any way, I exploit the situation by simply listening.
You probably think that most gay men that cheat do so because they are looking to get sexually satisfied. While some of that is true, it’s not the real magnet that draws them into the arms of people like me.
You see, I know how deeply lonely it can often be when you are in a committed relationship with another. And therein lies the weak spot – the desperate loneliness. The feeling of missing out. The nagging thoughts that something better is out there.
Trust me when I say that it’s not always the muscled up, hairy chested gym guy that snags your hubby. It’s a person like me; a man who has an athletic build and knows how to wear a pair of jeans and t-shirt.
You’ve met me.
The guy who channels a bit of a bad boy vibe; cool and distant but somehow, magnetically attractive. The dude who has a charming laugh that quickly disarms you, exposing your weaknesses in the process.
I love to listen to relationship problems and I’m great at giving advice. If you’ve met me, I’m the secret person you keep from your man, confiding your deepest secrets in me while I tactfully plan out how to break your relationship apart.
FYI: If your guy is cheating on you with me, he’s already told me things I’ve heard a thousand times before: Nobody has ever listened to me like you and I just feel safe with you.
Yes, that’s right. I’m the reason your man spends a little extra time in the bathroom each morning combing his hair – and why he comes home just a little bit later each night.
And when he's sleeping with you, he's dreaming of me.
You will know I’ve started my cheating ways up when your guy starts hiding his phone from you or when he talks on his cell in whispers. He’s hiding our affair from you and deep down inside, you know something is up.
The reason? He talking to me.
It’s not your man’s basket I’m after – it’s his heart. Because once I have it, I have the power to drive him far away from you.
And the best part?
When he finally breaks things off with you to be with me, I dump him like a box of rocks. And then, once the dust has settled, I move on to my next set of victims.
He may come back to you – or he may not. Either way, the two of you will never be the same.
I am a gay Suzy home wrecker. The next time your man looks a little too long at an attractive guy, think of me. I’m there just waiting to wedge myself in. I'm not a myth.
XO
PS: I already know you think I’m sick. My therapist said I’m probably a sociopath. Whatever.
