When you are attracted to your ex's twin
HIS QUESTION
Dear Jack,
Recently, I started casually seeing a girl that I really like. We seem to hit it off on many different levels. Sounds like a great thing, right?
Well, not so fast. Several years ago, I dated this same girl’s identical twin sister. Our relationship lasted for about a year and then eventually collapsed because of personality differences.
Now, I find myself in this weird situation. While it is odd at times, it feels like we [the twin] click. For now, we’re keeping our relationship a secret.
So, can you help me – is it wrong to date my ex’s sister?
-Unsure and confused
HIS ANSWER
Hi, UC,
First, let me thank you for sharing your dilemma and providing some background. I can imagine the situation you are in is confusing, if not awkward.
Here’s the thing – it’s not unusual to be attracted to the sibling of someone we’re dating. Some readers may suggest what I am saying is “disgusting” and even “gross” but I’m just keeping it real with you. It happens.
That’s why I am not shocked to learn you are attracted to your ex-girlfriend’s sister. After all, you were attracted to an exact (physical) copy of her several years ago.
Well, they may not look exactly the same but in all of the physiological (DNA) ways that matter, they are carbon copies.
So, let’s move on to the heart of your question. Is it wrong to date my ex-girlfriend’s twin?
The answer I am about to provide is one you may not want to hear but I’m sharing anyway. Give this relationship lots of thought before moving forward.
In your note, you mentioned there have been times when things feel odd. Additionally, you genuinely seem confused about how to proceed.
While you didn’t come right out and say it, my sense is your inner voice is raising concerns. If that is the case, I highly encourage you to listen to that voice.
Not to stereotype but for a lot of guys, getting together with identical twins is a major fantasy. But what they forget is that while twins may look the same, their personalities are often vastly different.
I should know because as it turns out, I’m an identical twin.
From hard learned experience, I can share with you that twins often struggle with differentiation; a $10.00 term used to describe the separation of personalities.
Part of the reason for this is because (in most cases) twins often look exactly the same. When growing up, a lot of us experienced the dynamic where our parents dressed us in the same clothes because they thought it was “cute” or to save money.
But there is a lot more to it.
During early childhood, many of the friendships that twins have are shared. That’s because twins, by nature, are SUPER close and are often best friends with each other.
While that may sound like a cool thing, it presents difficulties with the issue of differentiation, as mentioned above.
Finally, in adulthood, the outside world treats twins (at least in many cases) like they are one unit and not separate people. It sucks because, in truth, they (we) are different.
Back to the twin dating dilemma …
You mentioned in your email that both of you have decided to keep your relationship under wraps – at least for now. My question to you is – why?
Do you fear your ex’s reaction? Does the girl you are seeing want to hide things from her sister?
If the answer to either question is yes, I’ve got big news for you so listen up. Your ex is eventually going to find out. In fact, she might know already (intuitively) know.
Twins are highly intuitive with one another. For reasons that are beyond my awareness, all I can tell you is that they are able to dial into one another’s minds in near psychic ways.
Related: Is it wrong to date my friend’s ex?
I know that sounds crazy but I’m just being real with you. It’s not only true for the twins I’m friends with also personally the case in the relationship with my twin-bro.
Before taking any next steps with this girl, I would directly ask her how her sister would feel about the relationship. For example, will she get pissed? Might she become jealous? Would it cause the two of them to get into a nasty fight?
If the answer to any of the above is yes, I highly encourage you to rethink things. Do you know the old axiom of blood being thicker than water? Well, it happens to be true, particularly when it comes to twins.
I won’t bore you with all of the psychology here that is unique to twins because this response would never end. But what I will tell you is that the concept of sibling rivalry is a very real thing and can be amplified by 10 in the case of twins.
Well, there you have it UC – a long-winded response to your question. If you noticed, I didn’t come right out and say you shouldn’t date this girl. Instead, I simply highlighted some of the unique challenges that may pop up as part of the dynamic.
Yes, the girl you are dating is no doubt amazing. And I am quite sure the two of you are massively attracted to one another. But once the initial glow wears off, the reality is you are dating your sister’s ex – a person who also happens to be her twin.
There is a reason both of you are keeping things quiet. Play the tape in your mind. Once the relationship is out in the open, what do you see as the consequence?
Moreover, what does the girl you are dating think will happen?
The answers to those questions will largely determine the fate of whatever happens. Be sure to write back and let us know how things panned out.
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