Why am I Still a Single Gay Man?
By: Joe L in New York
Are you a single gay man who is looking for reasons why you are still single? Have you reached a place in your life where you are tired of seeing all of your friends partnered or married while you are still sitting there, unattached and completely unhappy?
If so, you are not alone. For all of our wonderful qualities as gay men, our collective ability to date and be in healthy relationships with others has been a historic struggle.
Single Gay Man
I recently read on this site a post on being gay and single and felt I had to respond. Here’s the deal – someone needs to be honest with you and give you the real reasons why you are still a single gay man.
Just to let you know, I am a therapist in Manhattan that has a private practice. I deal with the topic of gay dating almost every day.
Some of what you will read below may strike you as common sense while other points will speak to your core. That’s because the truth often hurts.
What you are about to hear is devoid of the psycho-babble that comes out of the mouths of so many messed up psychotherapists who don’t have the foggiest idea what they are talking about. Goodness knows half of them are single themselves.
Are you ready? Let’s jump right in!
1) You keep waiting for “The One”
If you are a gay man that keeps waiting for “the one” guy to come in and sweep you off your feet, you are going to be waiting for a very long time. There is no perfect gay man – or perfect guy period. All of us have flaws, including you.
2) You haven’t accepted that you are gay
Are you afraid of holding hands with a man in public? Are you fearful that other people will think of you as “gay?” Guess what – you are gay and that is the way you were made. Stop trying to pretend you are straight – you just aren’t. Yes – you can be masculine and gay but you aren’t straight. Enough said.
3) You hate yourself
Related to the previous point – if you are ashamed of being gay, that means you don’t like yourself. At its extreme, you might even hate yourself.
Want some proof?
Gay men who vote for political candidates who want nothing more than to oppress their rights. If you are one of these types of gay men, it’s hard to see how you will ever be in a relationship with another man – or anyone else for that matter.
4) You have a ridiculous checklist of needs
Are you a gay man who needs to check off a bunch of bullet points when considering a man as relationship material? For example, does the guy need to drive a certain type of car, make six figures, own his own home and so forth?
If you said yes, here’s a question …
How’s that list working for you? Why don’t you that stupid list and approach dating from the perspective of getting to know a guy for who he is instead of what he owns?
5) You drink too much
Are you a gay man who can’t function without having some type of alcoholic beverage? Are you so ashamed of who you are that you need to pour “just one more drink” in order to emotionally lubricate?
While your personal pain may be understandable, the way you are dealing with it makes you come off to potential mates as sloppy, messy and irresponsible. Sorry but nobody wants to marry that. Get help!
6) You are still involved with PnP
Are you a gay man that’s all about occasional PnP? Let’s be honest about it – there’s nothing “occasional” about using crystal meth, coke or the other substances within gay drug alphabet.
You will never meet someone you can get serious about if you are still putting stuff up your nose. And hey if you are a pothead – that’s big time unattractive too. It’s time to grow up and face your long held demons. Nobody wants to take a drug addict.
7) You’re a Facebook narcissist
Are you one of those creepy gay men that has an overriding need to post shirtless pictures up on Facebook on a weekly/daily basis? Do you thrive on the number of “Likes” and shares you get from your pics?
That’s cool but did you know the men who might be interested in dating you find your behaviors supremely unattractive?
Here’s why …
The outside world thinks you are a sick narcissist. Here’s the message you are sending to others when you do that crap: “I’m insecure – look at me – I need attention”. PUKE!
8) You’re a drama queen
Related to the narcissism point above is the drama queen. You know you are one of these gay men if you need to be the singular focus of attention wherever you go.
This means calling attention to yourself and making mountains out of molehills. When you go out on a date with a guy, he doesn’t want to hear about how hectic your day was or how you “got into it” with a telemarketer. Just be yourself and drop the drama.
9) You act like/sound like a teenage chick
This one is sure to anger many who read but it’s absolutely true. If you are one of those gay men who goes out of your way to come off as some teenage chick or if you sound like you've been sucking helium from a balloon – you are going to have a hard time finding a man.
What’s interesting about this one is that gay men who act like some big girl are always attracted to masculine jock or “wolf” types.
Honestly – do you think those types of guys are going to want to date a big girl?
10) You are fat
Here is another one that is sure to offend but here it goes. If you are some huge porker who struggles to get up from the couch because you are so fat, you need to know that it’s very unattractive.
While it is true that as a group our community focuses on appearance far too much, it is also true that fat and gay are like oil and water. You need to lose weight and shed those pounds baby. Don’t get upset when that jock you are after rejects you.
11) You look for men outside of your age group
Are you a 40 year old man who is chasing after 20-year olds? Are you a 35-year old who keeps chasing after college guys? Finally, are you in your 60’s and trying to score with a dude who just turned 30?
If you said yes to any of these things, haven’t you noticed a pattern where it’s just not working for you? Why do you set yourself up like this?
What would it be like if you dated men within your own age group – give or take five years?
12) You over did it with the tattoos
A tattoo here and there is hot. A sleeve can look amazingly attractive. But if you are one of those gay men who basically has your entire body covered from neck to toe with ink, someone needs to tell you that you over did it.
At some point, even the least enlightened among us can tell you are trying to cover (hide) something about yourself. And by the way – tattoos you got in your 20’s don’t look that hot in your 40’s.
13) You’re steroid juice box
Are you one of those gay men who suffer from severe body image issues? Do you feel invisible when you are out in public, like a bar or street fest? Was your solution to these problems to inject yourself with drugs like Deca-Durabolin, testosterone cypionate and other steroids?
While your muscular appearance may get you a lot of attention from other gay men, it also sends the signal in bright, flashing neon lights that you are an extremely messed up person. Nobody is interested in dating an insecure, bloated, roided out gay man. Plus, you can’t get it up and you’re going bald!
14) You’re a downer
Have you been told by your friends that you are a bit of a “Debbie Downer”? Does it seem like you go out of your way to find the negative in a situation? Have you noticed that people who once used to hang out with don’t seem to be in your life anymore?
Here’s why …
Nobody wants to be around someone who is overly negative. If you are looking for a man to date, he isn’t going to want to be with a guy who is always sad, depressed and unhappy with himself. Think about getting some help.
15) You are overly critical
Campy fun is great from time to time but if you are one of those bitchy gay men who always needs to criticize others, someone needs to tell you that your behavior is extremely unattractive.
Think about it.
When you are talking crap about how someone is dressed, what they are driving or what they are eating, you come off as a petulant, arrogant queen. What message are you sending the guy you are on a date with when all you do is look for the flaws in others?
16) You’re a name dropping label whore
Is it important that you wear only the trendiest clothes you can get your hands on? Do you need to make sure everyone knows you are sporting a designer label? If so, man are you sick.
Here is the deal – most guys aren’t interested in what you have going on outside. They want to know what’s happening inside. Sure, how you look is important but if you keep trying to come off like some guy who jumped out of GQ, you are sending the message of insecurity. It’s just not attractive.
17) You are a financial faker
Are you scrimping by each week? Are you one of those gay men who needs to borrow money from other people, like mommy and daddy, in order to survive? Do you take the earnings from your good paying job and blow it all away on never weekend outings to bars and nightclubs?
Do you charge up your credit cards to fund expensive dinners at 5-star restaurants or to purchase the latest techno-gadgets?
At some point, you need to know that money does matter and is an important factor when it comes to relationships. If you are dreaming of some guy swooping in and setting you up financially so that you don’t have to worry about money – keep dreaming!
We attract what we put out there. If you’re a broke “club-boy” you are going to attract the same type of guy. Why don’t you respect yourself a bit more and stop faking a lifestyle you can’t afford.
18) You sabotage any chance of love
Have you ever broken up with a guy and later regretted it? Have you noticed a pattern whereby you call off the relationship before it has a chance to grow? If you answered yes here, it likely means you sabotage your relationships.
Gay men who engage in this activity fear intimacy, likely as a result of past traumas. While this is understandable, it’s not a permission slip for learned helplessness. Stop being a victim of your past and start living in the here and now.
19) You are a serial dater
Are you addicted to the high of meeting someone new? When things start to get dull in the relationship, do you run for the hills? As time goes on and the relationship gets “real” do you find yourself looking for an exit?
In gaydom, serial daters are men who are all caught up in the newness of a relationship but can’t handle things when they turn serious. They also struggle with being exclusive. If you are one of these guys, you now should understand why you are seriously single.
20) You put too much emphasis on the sex
Yes, intimacy is important in any relationship – no doubt about it. But if you are one of those gay men who make it all about the sex and ignore other good parts of the relationship, you are destined to be forever single.
Here is the deal – intimacy comes in many forms and is not restricted to the bedroom. Every intimate encounter with your man isn’t going to be the “Fourth of July”.
Additionally, if you are incapable of showing flexibility in the bedroom because you are stuck being a “pitcher” or a “catcher”, don’t cry when you can’t maintain a relationship. Stop being so selfish.
21) You are TOO close to your mom
Having healthy relationships with our parents is important and can be a positive sign on the dating front. However, if you have one of those codependent relationships with your mom whereby the two of you feed off one another, there’s not a lot of room for a boyfriend.
Gay men who are too close to their mommies only end up repeating a cycle of codependency in their relationships with men. That guy you are dating doesn’t want to hang out with your mom all day long or continually have to deal with you needing her approval for everything.
It’s time to get over your mommy addiction and start being your own man.
Bonus! You think you’re super hot – but you’re not!
Who doesn’t want to be with an attractive guy? Probably all of us to keep it real. But if you are one of those gay men who act like you are a “10” when in fact you are closer to a “5”, you need to readjust your expectations.
There are very few men who can truly call themselves “hot”. The ones that are “10s” may look amazing but you don’t know what’s going on inside with them.
Stop putting on airs and acting like some affected queen. Not only does it make you less attractive, it also makes you look like an idiot.
It’s time to look in the mirror and face reality. If you are a single gay man who has one or more of the 21 reasons listed here going on, don’t whine to your friends about why you are still alone. You are doing it all to yourself. Now you know the real deal. Do something about it.
Gay Single Man Poll
Note: This list of 21 reasons for why you are still a single gay man was sent in from a New York based psychotherapist who wishes to remain anonymous.