When your boyfriend lives with his ex
When an independent director contacted me about a new gay web series, I knew that it was a sign to finally write a story I have been working on in my mind for quite some time. Dating a guy living with his ex has been an online subject of conversation for a long time now –just a simple Google search will reveal so many people dealing with this “problem” and some forum users describing their experiences.
However, no real articles or blog posts have been written about it. So, as you can imagine, I am really happy I am here to help you.
Yes, guys. Your prayers have been answered. You know why? Because I have been there, so there is no better person than me to advise you on the matter. But, let's take it from the top.
The web series I was telling you about is FLATSHARE. “A cutting-edge, comedy drama that follows the trials and tribulations of four diverse housemates living together in a run-down flat in South East London. The series explores London’s housing crisis by bringing the voices of individuals who are often marginalized to the center of the narrative,” as the Indiegogo campaign mentions.
Oh, did I forget to tell you that this is a crowdfunded project? So, if you want to back FLATSHARE, make sure you click here and help the team make it!
The short answer is yes, they can. In theory, we are all adults, totally capable of setting limits and boundaries. But if you are dating a man you are in love with, you usually feel that some kind of a threat is right out of the door. Imagine when you feel like it is in the same room.
So, since short answers have never been my favorite ones, here are six circumstances under which you should worry about your man living with his ex.
Let's start, shall we?
#1 Their Break-Up is Still Fresh or Happened Over a Bad Temper
I don’t want to sound too obvious but this is something that you must keep in mind when you are dating someone who is still living with his ex. Fresh break-ups tend to turn into relationships again. Break-ups over a bad temper, too.
When your love interest reveals to you that he’s been living with his ex, make sure you know all the terms. How friendly or angry their break-up was. Was it a well thought-out decision or just an outcome of a fight? Learn more about the reason(s) why they broke up and the relationship status of the other person.
Also, you might want to ask more about their long-gone relationship too. How open was it and how did it feel like during its final stage?
#2 They Live in a One-Bedroom Apartment
Yes, I know this one sounds too obvious too but, believe me, I’ve seen a lot.
Living in a one-bedroom apartment is not just a reason to worry but a deal breaker too. Many couples who used to live in one bedroom apartments and kept living together after their break-up, usually take turns at sleeping on the couch. Yeah, that will never work.
First of all, when a couple breaks up, personal space is the first thing they need to avoid falling back together out of habit or fear of loneliness. Also, let's be honest, in a healthy break-up, care never fades away. What if the person who sleeps on the couch wakes up with a pain in the back? It is a couch, after all. Well, I am sure the other person will be happy to share the bed with him.
And you know how it could go!
#3 They Don’t Share the Expenses
This one might sound cheap to you but it is true.
If two people who have been together, decide to live as roommates, they should act like roommates too. Sharing the expenses is the first rule of a healthy flatshare. If the financial circumstances are not clear and “roommate-y” enough, something else might be going on there.
Like it or not, these financial circumstances depict the nature of the relationship.
#4 Your BF Doesn’t Invite You Over When His Ex is There
Yes. There is this weird moment when he will introduce you as his new boyfriend to his ex. However, even though your BF might need some time, exceeding the one month period could mean that you are skating on thin ice.
If you feel that your partner is holding back from introducing you to his roommate, then he might be trying to keep the door open. I am sorry to be so upfront, but you, my friend, might be his rebound. Or, even worse, his adventurous break.
#5 They Have Not Escaped Their “Relationship Code”
Every relationship comes with a code. Nicknames, inside jokes, circumstances only two people in the world have been under… Breakups usually come with a broken relationship code. Nicknames are replaced by regular names, inside jokes are not funny anymore, and those circumstances are ancient history.
If your man has not broken this code, you are screwed. You certainly need to give him some time –remember that one month period?– but after that, you just need to embrace your inner Barbra Streisand and just tell him “enough is enough.”
Like it or not, when two people break up, their “relationship code” is also meant to break.
#6 You Can’t Wait Until They Follow Separate Roads
Okay, this one is for you guys since it has nothing to do with your boyfriend or his ex. It has to do with the way you see things.
Don’t get me wrong but when you agreed to this relationship knowing that your love interest is living with his ex-boyfriend, you signed up for this. You signed up for this worry, this rush.
If you can’t wait for your boyfriend to end this flatshare, you just prove to yourself that you were never ready for this relationship. You have just been patiently waiting for this situation to change, and, moreover, you've been lying to yourself about you being cool.
You might want to chill. The truth is that your boyfriend and his ex might never stop living together or it might take years for them to take this decision. Believe it or not, there are people who have managed to live together as roommates after a break-up and their home is full of peaceful, joyful and –yes!– even friendly feelings.
So, before you test your man's fidelity, you might want to ask yourself first: Are you ready for this?
