Successful gay relationships don’t happen by accident
Are you tired of being single? Fed up with hearing how your friends have met someone new while you sit all alone? Frustrated because you keep attracting emotionally unavailable men?
It doesn’t have to be this way. Not for you or for anyone reading this post. There is someone special out there for you. But attracting that guy doesn’t happen by magic.
If you truly want to end the vicious cycle of loneliness and finally meet a loving, caring boyfriend, it’s going to require work. Here, I’m talking about transforming yourself on the inside and out and banishing those horrible gay demons that live inside of your head forever.
What follows are 10 ways you – a single gay man – can attract a loving boyfriend in the new-year. I’m not going to lie to you. Some of what appears below may be difficult to read because it speaks to an inner truth.
Read them all anyway so that you can fully absorb their deeper meaning.
Let’s jump right in!
1. Stop shaming your body
If there’s one thing that’s keeping you single, it’s the shame you bring on to yourself for your imperfect body. OK, so you don’t have a six-pack. Maybe you do struggle with love handles. Perhaps your arms could be bigger or your chest larger.
Here’s the thing – the shame you bring upon yourself for not having an Adonis physique is subconsciously sabotaging any chance of meeting someone.
We cannot attract what we do not possess. Translation? Love your body as it is now and create a plan for change in the areas you don’t like. This leads us to our next point.
2. End the mental sabotage
Another reason that may be contributing to your single gay status is the mental game you play with yourself. You know what I’m talking about right? It’s called the game of comparisons and it’s one of the most toxic things you can do to yourself.
Here’s how the game goes. An attractive man shows interest. Initially you get excited. But instead of trying to make something happen, you shoe him away because you think you’re not good enough.
“He’s so much better looking than me – it will never work” and “He’s got money and I don’t so I’m not even going to bother.”
Sound familiar? If it does, you need to stop doing this to yourself right now. How do you ever expect to meet someone if you keep talking yourself out of what’s possible?
The universe pairs people together in all sorts of ways. Sometimes, you need to allow yourself to go with the flow and just see what shakes out.
If it wasn’t meant to be, OK then. But if you kill something from happening in the cradle through self-sabotage, you’ll never know what was possible.
3. Read a newspaper
Generally speaking, high quality, loving men are attracted to guys who have well rounded views. I’m not talking the latest Hollywood gossip either.
Instead, I’m speaking to things happening right here in the United States and around the world. One of the best ways you can better educate yourself on these matters is to get off Facebook and get onto a news site, like the NYT, the Washington Post or even a magazine like The Atlantic.
You don’t have to be an expert on any one topic. But it does help to have exposure to the world and viewpoints of others – even those you don’t agree with.
That’s what makes relationships interesting.
4. Get a financial life
Yet another reason you may be keeping yourself hopelessly single is money. In other words, because you don’t have a lot of money, you stop yourself from having a dating life.
But here’s an honest question I’d like you to ask yourself. What are you spending your money on? For example, are you blowing wads of cash on clothes? Mindlessly shopping on Amazon for items you really don’t need?
If you ever want to develop confidence about your financial situation, which in turn boosts your ability to attract men, you really need to take a look at your spending.
Related: Are you financially unattractive?
Instead of wasting $10.00 a day at Starbucks, why not stick those dollars in a savings account? If you play your cards right, you’ll have amassed $300.00 at the end of the month. In six months, that will mean $1,800.
Your goal doesn’t have to become wealthy. Instead, it’s about increasing your self-worth and finally throwing a monkey wrench into the caustic tape you keep playing that says, I can’t because I’m broke.
5. Stop searching for flaws
As gay men, it seems like many of us are wired to find flaws in potential suitors. Some of this may stem from our own inner demons that project out fears about ourselves. Who knows?
But here’s the thing – if you’re constantly looking for his negatives, you’ll never be able to fully appreciate his positives.
Enjoy the man in your life for who he is. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pay attention to problem areas. But it does mean giving things a chance.
6. Build confidence by setting goals
Ask any guy what he thinks is the sexiest characteristic about another man and he’ll likely tell you this – confidence.
But a belief in oneself doesn’t happen overnight. Instead, confidence occurs through a series of successes and failures, with an openness to learning in the process.
One of the best ways you can build your confidence is to set personal goals. They don’t have to be gigantic. Simple, small goals that can be achieved over the short term are best.
Examples: Waking up 10 minutes early to stretch or do abs. Teaching yourself to cook a new meal. Learning a 5 new words a week in Spanish. Get the drift?
The more goals you set up and achieve, the stronger your confidence will become. How sexy is that?
7. Cut off negative people
Do you have negative people in your life? Do they seem to always take more than they give? Are these same people sucking the life from your soul?
If the answer is yes, it’s time to ditch them. That may be hard to read but it’s true. One of the reasons you may still be single is because of the negative people in your inner circle.
Related: Signs of a toxic friendship
If your time and energy is constantly absorbed in another person’s drama, how can there be time for a boyfriend – let alone yourself?
This step is hard. In fact, it’s real hard. But if you want to move past the gravitational pull of negativity that’s keeping you single, you’ve got to sever the chord. Be it a friend or an ex, if that person is a radioactive mess, it’s time to let them go.
8. No more learned helplessness
Are you the type of person who constantly reaches for the words “I can’t”? Do you ever think to yourself, “I’ve always been this way so it’s not going to change.”
Sound familiar? If so, listen up – you’re engaging in learned helplessness. And you know what else?
It’s total BS.
You have the power to change whatever you want in your life. No, you can’t do unrealistic things like make yourself taller.
But you can build a stronger, more attractive body. You can improve your financial situation by focusing on spending. And you can invest in your appearance.
The only thing standing in the way of creating the positive change you so desperately seek is yourself. But if you keep falling back on excuses and saying “I can’t”, it’s going to be your reality forever.
Is that what you want?
9. Trust in your decisions
One of the pillars of any healthy relationship is trust. But that construct doesn’t happen in a vacuum. In other words, trust starts with you.
This means believing in the decisions that you make. It means not constantly second guessing yourself. Finally, it means listening to your inner voice.
Trust goes hand in hand with self-confidence. Together, both of these attributes makes you powerfully magnetic. And you know what else? It also attracts likeminded guys.
Which leads us to our final point.
10. Remember you attract what you project
Have you ever wondered why you seem to attract the same types of men? Do you see a pattern that dates back to most of your relational history? If the answer is yes, know that it’s no coincidence.
Related: Why you keep attracting the same men
In life, we draw to us people who are familiar. If you grew up in a dysfunctional home or around super needy people, that’s the behavioral blueprint you’re working from. Most of the time, its subconscious.
But you can change this. It starts by practicing mindfulness and being keenly aware of what you project. Sometimes, in order to better understand what vibe we’re putting out there, we need to work with a professional to uncover root causes.
Just something to think about as you focus on yourself.
Summing Things Up
If you’re goal is to create positive change in your life, including attracting a loving boyfriend, a great resource to call upon is the book: 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives.
Authored by relationship therapist Dr. Joe Kort, you’ll find lots of practical advice that is targeted to gay men. Excellent for anyone looking to transform their self-view and move about the business of creating healthier relationships.
Loving boyfriends aren’t people we meet through magic. Instead, they are the men we attract as reflections of ourselves.