Going Off Grindr and Gay Dating Apps
Gay dating can be tricky, particularly at the beginning. First there’s the issue of determining if there’s mutual attraction. Then there’s the hurdle of assessing for shared interests. Finally, there is the matter of exploring bedroom compatibility. Assuming all of the stars align in these areas, you may be wondering at what point you should go off Grindr and other hookup apps after you start dating?
Are you struggling with the answer? If so, you wouldn’t be alone. This is a decision many gay men face as they try to figure out the seriousness of a new relationship. To keep it real – getting rid of those apps is symbolic on a number of levels. And it’s also kind of scary.
We talked to several couples therapists who specialize in working with gay dating and relationships about the matter. What follows are 5 things to consider before deciding to remove Grindr, Scruff and dating apps from your smartphone.
Some of these suggestions will seem obvious while others may cause you to pause and reflect. Read them all in order to absorb their deeper meaning.
We’ve included a poll at the end of this post to let you chime in. Make sure you cast your vote!
1. Check your expectations
For every action, there is a reaction. Well, at least that’s what the laws of physics tell us. And so if you are giving serious thought to removing your hookup/dating apps, you need to ask yourself the question: What am I expecting?
For example, do you expect the new guy you are seeing to delete his apps as well? If so, have you talked to him about it? If you play out the conversation in your mind with him, what do you think his answer will be?
2. Don’t delete too soon
If you just started dating someone, it may be tempting to delete those man apps as a sign of commitment. However, this could be a mistake. Here is why – that guy you are getting to know may not be where you are emotionally.
To avoid scaring him off, why not give yourself time to assess if you really like him. What’s more, don’t you want to find out if he’s ready for a relationship? There are several things to look for that we’ve explored in the past. Be sure to read this relationship readiness piece to learn the signs.
3. At a minimum, wait 30-days
While there’s no hard and fast rule about when to scrub Scruff, Grinder and the other apps, many gay men feel 30-days a fairly good rule of thumb to go by as a waiting period. There are a few caveats here of course.
There need to be at least three or four dates under your belt as part of the waiting period. More than this is OK. Fewer dates, however, isn’t enough time to assess anything – let alone if he’s relationship material.
4. Tell him your intentions
If you have decided to take the leap and erase the apps from your phone, make sure you talk to him about it first. If you don’t, you’re setting yourself for a lot of anxiety and a potential heartbreak. This goes back to point number one.
By having a conversation with him about your intentions (face to face), you will be able to better understand his thoughts on the matter. If both of you are on the same page, it means he’s into you big time and wants to take it to the next level. If he hesitates or your pick up a vibe that suggests he’s unsure, reassess where things stand.
5. Check your inner voice
The final suggestion we have is for you to check your inner voice. This will be most important just before you tap your fingers on your device to remove Grinder, etc. If you find yourself having second doubts, this is a strong indication that you may not be ready for something serious.
A pre-step that we can suggest is to do a bit of journaling on the matter. It’s OK to take a few days to think about it as well. Sometimes, the answers take time to arrive to us in a concrete way. And so what we are suggesting here is to let the process unfold organically with mindfulness in mind.