You’ve been hooking up with a married, closeted man
The Dilemma
Dear Jack,
I’m just going to come right out with it and tell you. I’ve been hooking up with a guy for the last two months who is closeted and married to a woman.
Honest to God, I didn’t know he was attached until just recently. Two weeks ago, he told me the truth. He’s been with her for five years. He claims she doesn’t know he is gay and that if he gets busted, their marriage is over.
The problem is even after he told me this news, I’ve continued bottoming for him. Sexually, I’ve never been drawn to someone like this before.
I know this probably isn't going anywhere.
The logical side of my brain tells me to stop. But there is this other side that is SO turned on by him. He’s masculine and outdoorsy – all the things that turn me on. What should I do?
-Complete Mess
The Solution
Hi, CM,
On a number of levels, I am sympathetic to you. One of the problems with attraction is that we can’t always control who we are drawn to. In fact, I have a feeling a lot of people reading this can relate to what you have shared.
I can imagine you are probably an attractive guy who has other men pursuing you. Maybe you’ve even hooked up with a few of them? But for whatever reason, they simply don’t frost your cookies.
For reasons that only you know, there is something about this guy that does it for you. The shape of his jaw, or his smile, or his magnetic grin. And now, you, vulnerable and conflicted, are hooked on someone who simply isn’t available.
When I tell you to be extremely careful with this guy, know that it doesn’t come from a place of judgment. As the saying goes, “the heart wants what it wants.” Translation: Sometimes (and it happens a lot) what the dumb heart wants is dumb.
But here’s the thing. He is facing the same issues you are. The guy probably knows his wife extremely well. He knows the smell of her skin, the inflection of her voice when she’s concerned, and the smell of her hair after washing it in the shower.
Even though she isn’t really what he’s really attracted to, he’s decided to remain married to this women to keep up appearances. But now you are here – threatening to destroy his world.
Perhaps he’s turned on whenever you are near because you vibe out stud. However, it’s more likely he’s getting his kicks because of the newness of your relationship.
Think about it.
He doesn’t really know who you are. Conversely (and obviously) you don’t know much about him – except what he has told you.
Bottom line: You are a tool for his exploration. That he is so strongly attracted to you is understandable. You have what he wants and from what you described, he’s getting it.
For your part, you are likely even more attracted to him now after the marriage disclosure. Folks reading this can say what they want but there’s something to be said about nibbling fruit from the forbidden tree.
What’s not understandable is that he decided to let things get this far without being honest sooner. Sure, he could have been holding out because your hole is super amazing and he was drawn to it like a moth to a flame.
But that’s probably not the case (no offense).
It’s more likely that he is so used to playing this game that he sensed things were getting too hot and decided to cool things off with a dose of the truth.
Let’s assume for a moment that the guy has a crappy marriage. After all, he’s living a lie and conning his wife into believing he’s faithful – and oh yeah, “straight”.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. He could fess up to his reality and share that he’s not completely hetero. In turn, she could decide if she wants to stay attached.
As an aside, she may already know he’s not what he claims to be. But rather than upset the applecart, she could consciously be choosing to look the other way. Women have a VERY good sense of intuition. Know what I mean?
But in the final analysis, none of that matters. His behavior is representative of his character and likely patternistic in nature. In other words, whenever he decides he needs to let the gay out, he puts on a false persona to get his needs met.
Ask yourself – is this really the type of person you want to have an affair with?
Honestly, is his d—-k that big … that spectacular … that you want to get mired in an impossible situation? I recognize the physical aspect of the affair is powerful. But just remember, the moment you learned the truth and continued having sex with him, you became an accomplice to his lie.
Several years ago, I found myself draining from the main of really hot guy. We hooked three times and on each occasion, the candy was yum (read between the lines).
More: I’m sleeping with my married bi boss
But then on our fourth meeting, he didn’t want to have sex. Instead, it was all about him warning me she had read our text exchanges.
That’s right – his spouse discovered his dalliances by snooping through his phone.
At the time, this “clicked” with me because I had recently received a series of “hang-up” calls from a blocked number. I’ll never really know if it was her but my spidey senses (then and now) tell me that is what was going on.
The woman was phoning me just to hear the voice of the man who was sucking her husband’s c**k.
At any rate, I felt terrible once he told me his truth. And not for myself but for his wife. My goodness, I would think anyone would.
So I want you to think about “her” for a moment. Are you OK knowing that you are sleeping with a guy who is lying to his wife about pretty much everything?
Look, I am not here to moralize or parent you. We all have choices. That said, if you are emotionally drawn to this guy, you need to clip this relationship off pronto.
This means ditching his number, unfollowing him on social media, and washing out his smell from your linens. Not tomorrow and not next week but right now – as in this moment.
Because let me tell you what happens next if you don’t.
At some point, the truth is going to come out. His marriage will end and he’ll come knocking on your door, hoping you’ll take him in and nurture his lying ass.
For a short while, the sex will be passionate and it will feel like you are walking on cloud nine. He’ll promise to be faithful and never step out on you. Gullible, you’ll totally believe he’s “the one”.
But then, like a kid in the candy store, he’ll want to get a taste of something different – something new. And before you know it, he’ll be in the shower and you’ll eye a text on his smart-phone.
It will read something like this:
“I can’t wait for us to get together again. What time can you be over tonight babe – I’m all yours!”
Do you REALLY want to sign up for this roller coaster ride?
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